Do you sleep soundly?

I’ve written a few times about my childhood, but I can never find the words to convey the feeling of fragility and conflict that was a part of every day, every activity, every material possession. I am my father’s son, and this relation alone is enough to ensure I always sit with my back to a wall. I don’t think anyone who hasn’t lived so close to violence can understand.

When I was young, I lived for a time with my father and his family in Montreal. There was an ongoing power struggle between my father, and the other organized crime figures in the area. Several of my father’s friends and family had suffered kidnappings, brutal attacks, and countless acts of property damage, in an attempt to persuade my father to back off. My father has never backed off.

I was placed in the care of my aunt and uncle, and their two daughters. I was given a nice room, a comfortable bed, and more than enough books to read. We had private security, an alarm system, and a police trained german shepard.

I had only been there a week or so when my uncle came in my room to pick a suit jacket from the closet, as he did every morning, and found the cuffs to every jacket had been cut off, neatly folded, and placed in the pocket of the jacket, which was then buttoned closed. There were probably about twenty jackets in the closet, which opened up right next to the nighttable of my bed.

I was flown to Halifax shortly after.

Nessies

Some time ago, I wrote about how I will never be able to surround myself with people who will do for me what I would do for them. This is true; I believed it then and I believe it now. However, while I may not be able to surround myself with people who have this trait, that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel blessed by the few people in my life who are there for me.

And no one outside my own flesh-and-blood has ever done more for me than Leslie has.

Leslie, my girl, my baby — thank you for being there. Thank you for trusting me. Thank you for believing in me, and having faith in me. I’ve never met anyone as kind or as beautiful, or anyone who has taught me as much.

I love you, baby bee.

522

..AND THAT’S IT and that’s the only thing I need, is this!

I don’t need this or this.

Just this ashtray.

And this paddle game, the ashtray and the paddle game and that’s ALL I need.

And this remote control.

The ashtray, the paddle game, and the remote control, and that’s all I need!

…and these matches.

The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control and the paddle ball.

And this lamp.

THE ASHTRAY THIS PADDLE GAME AND THE REMOTE CONTROL AND THE LAMP AND THAT’S ALL I NEED.

That’s all I need, too! I don’t need one other thing, not one I NEED THIS.

The paddle game, and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches, for sure. And this.

AND THAT’S ALL I NEED

The ashtray, the remote control, the paddle game, this magazine and the chair…